Yesterday, as I listened to my favorite psychology podcast called “The Psychology of our 20s”, the topic of why we argue and what exactly we argue for arose. In the podcast, the host spoke of how the closer you are with someone the more likely you are to be critical of them. Thus, the more arguments there likely will be.

I had to ponder this for a bit. How likely are we to argue with someone we have no emotional expectations toward? Not likely. We are more likely to speak our minds when we actually care.

Wouldn’t this mean that arguments with our loved ones is actually pretty healthy then? It shows we both care and that, by voicing it, we’re working together to find a solution.

As a young adult, I have many changes in my relationships around me. I moved to college a year ago, I’m currently in a new city for an internship, and more. Because of these, I’ve been thinking about my own relationships that have come and gone in the past years and when arguments actually helped strengthen my relationships. The clearest and first example that comes in my head is my roommate from freshman year. We disagreed on many things and had to work past them together. Now, I consider my roommate one of my closest friends.

But when can arguments take a toll on our relationship? I think it starts to take a turn for worse when both— or even just one— of the parties start to feel intense emotions of hurt, anger, disappointment, etc. Because then, instead of arguing with the intention of fixing a problem, it becomes a competition of trying to break each other down. It becomes a game of “Slap Jack”— the game where both parties slap each other hands until one of them gives up because of the pain. However, instead of a physical game, this involves trying to inflict your own harsh and negative emotions on the other party in response to the ones they give you.

This is important to realize. Before an argument, we should each reflect on how we feel emotionally and whether or not we can express our disagreements without hurting the other party. If you’re unable to do these, it’s probably best to rethink how to express yourself. If not, the risk of damaging a beautiful relationship becomes immense.

So, to finally answer the prompt, I’d say that I’d let go of my anger, hurt, disappointment, etc. This isn’t to say that I don’t feel these emotions while arguing (that would be very difficult and probably borderline psychopathic); I just don’t direct these severe emotions directly AT someone. This way, I feel like I’m heeding attention to my emotional self while still getting my point across with (hopefully) no damage to the relationship.

To do so, I’ve found that journaling out my emotions before and after arguments really helps me. I journal about how I perceived events and how it has affected me. I also journal about whether or not it’s something that could potentially hurt me in the long run. If it can, I’ll journal about what steps I can take or what I can say to avoid such an event occurring again. While arguments can be externally taxing, it can be internally just as difficult to process. Taking care of ourselves mentally should be a top priority ❤

Think about a time you’ve had arguments with loved ones and it strengthened your relationship! Reflect on what you would let go of during arguments in the future.

Till next time,

Moesha.